Preface: Before I begin writing this. I titled this “The rise of the anti-Christ — The thin line to eternal damnation”. Through this, I aim to draft out how a series of unfortunate events would potentially lead a Christian leader to his downfall and eventually leave the faith. However, as I dived deeper into this thought experiment, it occurred to me that God will never let go of anyone who has once tasted His goodness and put their faith in Him. Even if we’ve slid down the slippery slope and denounce Christ, the mere thought of God will bring us back to Him. Hence, I renamed this, “Even at our lowest, God will never forsake us”. Because He never will. Even if He remains silent, He’s there; right there for us, accompanying us till the race is finished.
Below is a dramatised monologue of a possible scenario of what may go on in the mind of a Christian leader who has fallen in the faith.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. I simply do not understand how can you allow all of these to happen. You are enthroned as the Holy One. To You, the world sings its praises. But why do you degrade me to be a worm, scorned and despised by all? Day and night I see those who claim that they place their trust in the Lord committing atrocities. The church is but a congregation of naive followers. They know not what they are doing. Those who claim to serve you are killing each other. It just doesn’t make sense!
The more I serve You, the more I’m laughed at. The more I serve You, the more apparent it is to me that there’s a certain game to play. I figure I’d choose to stand for the Truth. But with my very eyes, I see those who stood for the Truth being chunk aside. Those who are on the side of righteousness and justice denied off any right to serve; will I be like them?
Heck. I shall persevere. I shall run the race. I shall press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. I shall. Run. Fuck. Damn.
I cannot. I simply can’t. The game is not for the weak. Their laughter. Their smug. It’s getting a hold on me. Aren’t I serving? Am I doing what’s right? Why isn’t the Holy Spirit strengthening me? I remember God’s Words. I know my Bible. But. It’s. It’s not. It’s not helping. Urgh.
Damn. It’s happening again. I am only doing what is needed. Shouldn’t the sick be visited? Why is the church pointing her fingers at me? Shouldn’t the people in prison be cared for? Why are fellow Christians against me? Shouldn’t we spread the gospel to the lost? Why are they judging me for talking to the monk and the imam? Am I doing it right? Am I doing it wrong? Am I? This isn’t Christianity? Is it? This isn’t the God I knew. This isn’t the faith I knew. This isn’t how things ought to be!
Dogs surround me, a pack of villains encircles me; they pierce my hands and my feet. All my bones are on display; people stare and gloat over me. They divide my clothes among them and cast lots for my garment. But I don’t have the strength to say, “do not be far from me”. I need you right here to be by my side! Deliver me from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs. Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the horns of the wild oxen. But my faith in You is weak. It is Your people whom I fear. It is Your people who are hurting me. It is Your people. Your people.
Tell me. What’s wrong. Tell me. Am I wrong? Tell me.
I love You. But look what You’ve done to me! Tell me. Tell me.
I think I’ll need to make a choice. To pledge my allegiance to the one You despise. Maybe. Just maybe. I guess. I don’t know. Will he answer my prayers. Give me what I wanted. No. I wanted You. I want You, God. Save me.
Hold on to me Lord. Strengthen my feeble arms. I need You right where I am. I need You.
But now. I need to make a choice. It’s time to decide whether I should continue serving You. I can’t, anymore, no? All doors to serve You has been closed. All. Now I’m alone. Your church has forsaken me. Your people have left me. I’ve no one around me. So much for justice. So much for righteousness. So much for love. Sustain me. Will You?
Or should I, pick sides. And. Urgh!
God save me. I need You now. Wake me up and strengthen what remains within me that is about to die. Point me to the work that You’ve placed in my life which I’ve left unfinished. Remind me of what I have received and heard. Hold fast to me and help me repent. Father, You’re all I ever wanted. Though I may not show it, You know my heart. Let Your goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to You. Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Your courts above.
God help me.