I have been meaning to write this down for a long time. This is something that I have had in my head but I couldn’t quite bring myself to pen down. I am in love. But as prepare my heart to love this girl that God has so graciously blessed me with, I am struggling within. Deep down in my heart, I felt unworthy.
I felt unworthy, not because of any sexual sins. Rather, I felt unworthy because I felt that I am not relationally pure.
In context, I define relational purity as the purity of the heart, kept for the person that God has prepared for us. A person who is pure relationally would be careful with one’s heart and not be careless to devote oneself to anyone without the assurance that God has given that partner to oneself. On the contrary, a person who is not relationally pure would have been careless in their relationships; knowingly or unknowingly, giving their hearts to others.
I have had multiple relationships in the past. Over time, these experiences cumulate within me. They were unresolved tensions that had traumatised me, shaping me to be who I am today. Though they were painful lessons that taught me valuable lessons in interpersonal relationships, they were also like unwanted anchors, dredging on the ocean floor, hindering my ability to move forward.
In the depths of my meditations, I asked God for a solution. I prayed for the forgiveness of sins and the salvation from emotional and relational slavery. I prayed that the Blood of Christ would cut away any unclean relational ties and restore my purity of heart. However, every time I asked for an answer, God would point me to the Cross. Whether is it by day or by night, whenever I cry out to Him, He would point me to the Cross and remind me of His nail-pierced hands. Months and years went by, this continued on. Every time He’d do that, I’d try to go against the vision and try to focus on my emotions. But every time I tried focusing on my emotions and the person I’m trying sever ties with, things worsened.
Call me stubborn, but I simply do not understand. I told God that I knew about His work of Salvation. I told God that I know about His sacrifice. I argued that I do not want to see it anymore, as though I do not need Him. But every time I fought with Him, He would point me to His Cross. A significant amount of time went by, but I was still unable to let go of the relational hurt caused by my past. I thought, maybe attending their marriage would help. But no, it only worsened things. I asked God for the reason behind all of these, thinking that rational deduction would help me resolve unresolved tension. But God, in His loving kindness, only gave this answer — Look to the Cross.
In the depths of my meditation one night, I asked God to restore my heart. Likewise, He pointed me to the Cross. However, this time, He told me, “Son, the Nails that had pierced Jesus’ hands and feet, they bore the hurt that you are facing. Now, take the hammer, and crucify the hurt you are facing onto the Cross.”
I walked towards the cross and lay the nail down onto the hands of the vision of person who has hurt me so deeply. I closed my eyes and raised the hammer. I heard shouts and screams of the person who has hurt me. I mustered the courage, and struck the first blow. Immediately, something like a weight fell from my heart. I looked up and raised the hammer again. With every hit, the task got easier. With every knock of the hammer, the burden on my heart lightened. I was greedy and attempted to speed up the process, but God told me to slow down and focus, “one at a time”.
The night was cold. The visions turned bloody. Sounds of screams got louder, but it didn’t seem to affect me. As I approached the last person and hammered the last nail, the vision changed. It was no longer the people who has hurt me. It was no longer the hurt that I felt in my heart that was hammered to the Cross. Now, it was the Lord, in silent agony, hammered onto the Cross.
With blood in my hands, God asked me, “Son, how are you feeling?”
I looked to the Cross in disbelief.
I thought to myself about the meaning of it all. I thought, God did not just save us from the slavery of our sins, but He had also saved those who have sinned against us, liberating them from their sins and allowing them to lead a life in Him. How great is the love of God on the Cross. How great is Christ’s love for the World that He was willing to bear all of these, in silent agony, hoping that all would return to the One True Giver of Life. Such is the Miracle of the Cross — the Miracle that bears not just our sins, but our sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Indeed, the Joy of the Lord is our strength. Indeed, He took up our pain and bore our suffering. He was pierced for our transgressions and was crushed for our iniquities. Indeed, He went through it all, just so that we can be healed by His wounds. This is the Love of God. This is the Love of Christ for us.
I am still an imperfect man. I am still sinful in my thoughts and actions. But I am confident that the Miracle of the Cross has washed me clean. Even though we remain in our sinful bodies within this sinful world, let us remind ourselves that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just, and He will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Therefore, let us look to the Miracle of the Cross and contemplate on its meaning. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
Image by Franck Barske from Pixabay
“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. — 1 Peter 2:24-25, NIV.
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